Tag Archives: unhealthy

12 Unhealthy Habits to Stop…Right Now

by Kelvin Belfon

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Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly. It’s your masterpiece after all. – Nathan W. Morris

 

We all desire happiness. No one sets out to be malcontent. Yet we engage in unhealthy habits on a regular basis that hold us back from pursuing life to its fullest.

It seems like self-defeating behaviors come far too easy for most of us. But over time, they do distract us from our priorities and clutter our lives with unwanted burdens. It happens, even to the smartest of us.

A productive lifestyle is hard work. It requires effort and discipline. It involves making the tough decisions that don’t always feel comfortable at first. But still, we must continually do the work of minimizing the non-essentials from our lives in order to achieve the life we desire.

The 12 unhealthy habits to avoid that I discuss below may be elementary in some respects. You may also find that some take longer to conquer once you get going on them. Be encouraged. It’s never too late to begin the journey and reclaim a better life.

 

12 Unhealthy Habits to Stop…Right Now

1. Stop watching T.V. The average American spends more than four hours watching television That’s 28 hours per week/two months per year/or 9 years in front of the tube in a 65 years span. Ouch! Go outdoors, exercise, read a book, start a business, and spend time with family or friends instead. The goal here is not radicalism. Just minimize…a lot.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others. The images we see on social media, entertainment magazines, reality shows and at the mall can leave us feeling as though we’re in competition with other. You can sometimes feel just plain inadequate. Images can be a lot to live up to.  Mark Twain said it best, “Comparison is the death of joy.” Appreciate yourself and avoid judging others.

3. Stop spending too much time on social media. The average person in the U.S. has five social media accounts and spends close to 7 hours browsing on these accounts each day. Sure, it’s a good way to stay connected to friends and family; but let’s face it, many of us use social media as an escape from what we’ve got going on in life. While social media may be a great outlet for destressing, time’s still ticking. Get on, get off, and keep it moving.

4. Stop keeping grudges. I love what Marianne Williamson says about this,  “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die.” Why do we think that holding grudges against others will hurt them? What’s certain is that unforgiveness leads to our own bitterness. It confines us to the past, which becomes toxic to our health. It’s not easy to release people from the hurt they’ve caused us. It doesn’t mean allowing people to continue to hurt us. But if we don’t release the prisoners inside of us, they’re only going to wreak havoc in our lives. Forgiveness is for our well being. When we do, it’s liberating!

5. Stop consuming too much junk food. A regular diet of cheeseburgers, fries, and sugary drinks leads to potential medical problems such as heart diseases, diabetes, obesity, and depression. When possible, practice moderation and switch to healthier choices like fruits, vegetables, grains, grilled instead of fried and processed foods. Since most of us don’t drink enough water, and especially for those who live in more dry climates as I do, always choose water or sodas.

6. Stop complaining about your lack. Many westerners have a chronic discontentment syndrome. We have been programmed desire more˗˗the biggest and the latest model of anything. This is what being grateful and content can be pretty hard for some. Marlon Rico Lee once said, “Be grateful for the things and people you have in your life. Things you take for granted someone else is praying for” – Marlan Rico Lee

7. Stop spending your way into debt. Contrary to the cultural belief, spending money on consumer good doesn’t make us happy. Neither does trying to live a life you can’t afford to replace, should you lose it all. In fact, living beyond one’s means only causes debt, stress, anxiety, divorce and even depression. The average U.S. household carries $15,762 in credit card debt and $130, 922 in total debt! Here’s a better way. Budget before you buy. Pay with cash and ask this one question before your next purchase.

8. Stop blaming others for your problems. Is life challenging and unfair? Yes! But… “when we blame, we give away our power,” says Greg Anderson. Habitual finger pointing fosters bitterness, resentment and powerlessness. Blaming is really a backward way of putting off your commitments. When we blame others, we are in fact trying to put our burdens on others. So, stop procrastinating and take responsibility for those things that concern your life.

 9. Stop caring about what people think. It’s wise to seek counsel; it’s wise to be sensitive to the people around us. But obsession over others’ approval only serves to hinder our personal happiness. Take for example what Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher of Taoism says, “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” Let’s face it, mistakes are bound to happen. Not everyone will like you for their own reasons. Life is too short to be preoccupied by other folk’s junk. Live your life without constantly looking over your shoulders.

10. Stop skimping on your sleep. Sleep deprivation causes depression, weight gain, diabetes, decreased performance, alertness, and automotive injury. Turn in at regular times every night and take a power naps when you can in the day. If you have kids, get them to bed at 8pm and make it to bed shortly after. Try to get at least 7 hours sleep every night. It might even save your life.

11. Stop drinking too much. Every day in the U.S., 28 people die from motor accidents involving an alcohol-impaired driver. That’s a death every 53 minutes according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Excessive drinking also increases the risks of liver diseases, depression, anxiety, stroke, cancer and much more. So stop.

12. Stop smoking. The other day, a friend of mine noted on Facebook that he had just returned from Jamaica, where he buried his younger brother due to lung cancer. Smoking increases the risk of heart diseases, cancer, high blood pressure, leukemia, stroke, emphysema, lung infections, infertility, and asthma. If you’re a habitual smoker, seek the aid of a medical professional. Enlist the support of family and friends and put the extra savings you will have to better use.

 

Helpful Notes 

  • Need a motivation with your decluttring projects or with simplifying your life? I’ll be launching a Simplicity Coaching Program. Stay tuned!
  • Congratulations to Denise. You are the winner of Clara’s book “What If It Were Possible?”  Congratulations to Kayla. You are the winner of Clara’s greeting cards.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to Going Uncomplicated, comment below or join me on Facebook.

 

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How to end a toxic relationship

by Kelvin Belfon

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All failed relationships hurt, but letting go of a toxic relationship is actually a gain, not a loss.  ~ Marc and Angel Chernoff

A few weeks ago one of my readers commented on a post I’d written, “I’m pretty good with de-cluttering the physical stuff from my home. What weighs me down are my relationships. How can I deal with them?” And another reader confessed, “Ending toxic relationships is the hardest thing to do.”

We all can identify with these observations.

Saying no to toxic relationships can be challenging for several reasons. First, when a person is raised in an abusive environment, he/she easily accept such harmful behavior as normal. And if you don’t know a problem exist, you are least likely to desire change.

Second, a needy or low self-esteem can create an unhealthy dependency on others. And this dependency has the potential of eroding our better judgment in dealing with abusive people.

Third, toxic people can come off nice, warm and charming. Or, at least, they appear to be so in the beginning. They are people we’ve come to trust such as parents, siblings, friends, dating partners, mentors, spiritual authorities, co-workers and such. So the thought of separation seems impossible. Moreover, most of us tend to be pretty hopeful that people will change despite their controlling inclinations.

My Journey

One of the most difficult things I’ve had to do is to dissolve longstanding relationships that had become counterproductive. Over the years, I knew things had gone wrong and others saw it too. But I couldn’t let go. The truth is, I didn’t want to because I craved acceptance. I also feared exclusion and conflict.

Then one day a friend said, “What you are experiencing is not normal.” I felt offended at first; but it was truth that I just couldn’t contradict. So I started reading and researching these kinds of negative relationships. It was as though blinders had been taken off my eyes. I felt liberated.

It was hard to put into words what I was experiencing. But several months after I had ended the relationship, another friend helped me verbalize what I had been feeling all along. Sometimes we do need that outside person to help identify these complicated association.

Ending the relationship was a long painful process. But it was one of the most important steps I have taken in regaining control of my own life. Freedom is a beautiful thing!

The following are some of the steps I’ve learned in ending toxic relationships.

How to End a Toxic Relationship

Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge that you are in an unhealthy relationship. Admit that you can’t change the toxic person.

Become aware. Learn the signs of toxic relationships. Read, observe and ask lots of questions.

Avoid damning yourself. It is important to examine yourself, to acknowledge your shortcomings. But it is not helpful to be excessively self-deprecating at this point. Toxic people specialize in making their victims feel horrible about themselves. Don’t cave into their attempts to make you feel as if you are any less than you are.

Establish healthy boundaries. Boundaries exist for our protection. Take baby steps in clearly articulating your feelings. For example, “When you _____, you make me feel _________. I would like you to stop it.”

Keep the conversation short. Plan what you’ll say. Toxic people are manipulative and persistent. A simple, “This relationship is not working out” might be all you need to say to avoid opening up Pandora’s Box.

Learn to say “No” Without Blowing Up, Wimping Out or Running Away.

Seek help. Invite family members, trusted friends or a professional to give their honest assessment of this relationship. Never be afraid to ask for help. Others can see things overlooked by our emotions.

Consider physical separation. If necessary, a temporary separation can provide a time of reflection and healing. In other cases, permanent physical separation might be the only viable alternative.

Decide how you want the relationship to end. You can confront the person directly and gradually reduce the communication until the relationship dies on it’s own. You may also choose to go cold turkey and terminate the relationship abruptly with no further contact.

In some cases, writing a letter and sending it may be the way to go. If the letter you choose to write gets really deep into reciting histories of abusive events within the relationship, you may want to reconsider whether you need to mail it after all. Recounting the past to an abusive person often does little to help if that person is in denial.

Seek inward wholeness and healing. Why are we attracted to toxic individuals? One professional counsellor has said that it is because unhealthy people attract other unhealthy people. I have found that the best antidote for dealing with the habit of attracting unhealthy soul ties is to become active in building up one’s own self-esteem. The more wholeness we possess, the less dependent we are on controlling people.

Ending a toxic relationship is tough. The process is like going through the death cycle — denial, anger, grief and recovery. This is why repairing a broken relationship early on is always a good alternative when possible. But if reconciliation is not possible, it is in your best interest to end this relationship decisively. Draw a clear line and don’t’ turn back in weakness or fear.

Remember, you deserve to be treated with dignity. You are a person of worth. No other person should be allowed to control your life.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to going uncomplicated, comment below or join me on Facebook.

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Signs of Toxic Relationships

by Kelvin Belfon

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Taking inventory of one’s possessions and minimizing excess is no small task. Yet, when it comes to managing relationships, this area of life can be a bit more unwieldy. People can require a pretty significant amount of emotional and time commitment. And while people relationships can be complicated, they are also potentially our most valuable possession. So let’s admit from the start–letting people go is never an easy task.

Still we need to be intentional with the people we allow in our personal circle. Our relationships can either make us or break us. And our quality of life is dependent on it. Positive relationships add value; but toxic relationships can be harmful to our health.

We’ve all come across these sorts of people within our family, among friends or in the workplace. Toxic relationships don’t only involve physical abuse, either. Some of the most life debilitating forms come in very discreet packaging, through both verbal and nonverbal interactions.

These interactions are nevertheless toxic because they bring on feelings of guilt, unhappiness, condemnation, and unworthiness. They can leave us emotionally drained. Toxic people cause unnecessary stress, anxiety, depression and serious medical problems such as high blood pressure and even heart issues.

In my experience with toxic people, they’ve left me feeling trapped and controlled on account of me suppressing my true feelings over time. I’ve even blamed myself in the past for issues that arise as a result of their boundary crossing.  Like most of us, I knew something was wrong in the relationship; but I didn’t know how to read the signs of toxic relationships. I ignored my own intuition and allowed the dysfunction to continue for too long.

Learning the Signs of Toxic Relationships

Learning from the lived trials and pain caused by these types of people, I’ve become much better over the years at identifying the signs that tell when a relationship has reached its expiration. Here are a few:

You are not allowed to grow. Toxic people love to bring up your past and enjoy talking about your mistakes and failures. They are often judgmental and will make feeble attempts at fixing you. You can’t do anything right around them. And even when you take steps to improve yourself, toxic individuals get uncomfortable with the new you. They may even laugh at the thought of your positive intentions.

Your physical appearance is belittled. These unhealthy individuals will make you self-conscious about your looks. Physical features such as your weight, height, skin color, or even certain cultural distinctions are a constant subject of conversation. Toxic people will even banter about your physical disabilities, such as in the way you walk or speak. After being around them, you may leave feeling small, deflated, lonely or unsatisfied with yourself.

You’ll hear more trigger words. I’m sure you’ve heard them, “If you love me, then you’ll…” “Forgive me, I’ll do better next time…” “I didn’t mean those words…” Toxic people are liars and deceptive. They may even use tears for an emotional pity party. But there is no change. The truth is, there will never be. They break promises to continue their manipulative abusive behavior.

You are abused by their position. We are taught as children to honor and respect authority; and we should. But toxic people don’t play fair. They use their roles and titles to control and often get away with it. Because of their status, they are able to cowardly hide their shortcomings and make themselves unaccountable. And they play that game very well. They also tend to demand recognition and dependency on them.

Serving their agenda is priority. Toxic people are narcissistic and tend to use others for their aggrandizement. They use people’s emotions, time, skills and financial resources for their gain. Their agenda must be your goal. There is no mutual positive exchange in this relationship. Only the toxic partner benefits while your feelings and opinions are ignored.

You lack energy instead of feeling motivated. Toxic people are needy, weak individuals. They drain your energy with their constant complaints, frustrations, ongoing drama, and need for attention. So you retreat, become non-communicative and even hesitate to spend time with this person. The relationship grows to be superficial and you only meet out of obligation.

You feel isolated from other relationships. This is the “divide and conquer” strategy where toxic people try to alienate you from others important people in your life. Over time, you become suspicious of them. Later you find yourself fighting or disagreeing with these friends or loved ones for no apparent reason. This is because your manipulator has craftily succeeded in sowing his/her seed of distrust in you already.

You defend your abuser. This follows the previous point. The toxic individual demands loyalty and you willingly play that role. Yet they may betray your trust to others without any feeling of remorse. And because you are so emotionally attached to this person, you justify their unhealthy behaviors. When outsiders point out any abuse or inconsistency in this relationship, the toxic individual expects that you, the victim, will fully defend their cause. This is one of the most sinister strategies, sometimes called Stockholm Syndrome.

Toxic relationships are NOT normal or healthy. They demand too much energy and deplete from your sense of well-being. Life is too short to allow others to control you. Learn to read the signs or take a profile test to determine the health of your relationships. If you are in a toxic relationship, seek help and get out now.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to going uncomplicated, comment below or join me on Facebook.

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